Hypothesis: Gabriel was the father of Jesus and John

So, I'm not exactly a Christian, despite my upbringing. But I do value the bible as a great book, it does contain wisdom. It's not as profound as the Tao te Ching, or even The Power of Now but it still has some value. Especially when the stories are given the right context.

There's even humour in there, though it's lost in translation. A camel passing through the eye of a needle is a lot funnier in Hebrew because camel and needle rhyme (Gamel and Gimel)

Anyway, The last time I read the new testament, I was struck by something, something so obvious, I can't understand why nobody has pointed it out before (and if they have, my apologies, it's a big world)

Lets assume that the new testament is a very approximate retelling of events, it is supposed to be several different accounts of the same story.

Also, lets assume that there's no such thing as Angels, or immaculate conception.

I know it's a stretch for some, but please bear with me.

Gabriel is mentioned in passing a couple of times in Daniel

Other than that, he appears twice only in Luke 1:

John’s Birth Announced to Zacharias
5 There was in the days of Herod, the king of Judea, a certain priest named Zacharias, of the division of Abijah. His wife was of the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. 6 And they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless. 7 But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and they were both well advanced in years.

Zacharias and Elizabeth couldn't have kids because Elizabeth was infertile. And they were both old.

8 So it was, that while he was serving as priest before God in the order of his division, 9 according to the custom of the priesthood, [c]his lot fell to burn incense when he went into the temple of the Lord. 10 And the whole multitude of the people was praying outside at the hour of incense. 11 Then an angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing on the right side of the altar of incense. 12 And when Zacharias saw him, he was troubled, and fear fell upon him.

Gabriel appears.

13 But the angel said to him, “Do not be afraid, Zacharias, for your prayer is heard; and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John. 14 And you will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth. 15 For he will be great in the sight of the Lord, and shall drink neither wine nor strong drink. He will also be filled with the Holy Spirit, even from his mother’s womb. 16 And he will turn many of the children of Israel to the Lord their God. 17 He will also go before Him in the spirit and power of Elijah, ‘to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children,’ and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just, to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.”

Gabriel tells Zacharias that Elizabeth will have a child, and that child will be called John (yay!)

18 And Zacharias said to the angel, “How shall I know this? For I am an old man, and my wife is well advanced in years.”19 And the angel answered and said to him, “I am Gabriel, who stands in the presence of God, and was sent to speak to you and bring you [d]these glad tidings. 20 But behold, you will be mute and not able to speak until the day these things take place, because you did not believe my words which will be fulfilled in their own time.”

Zacharias thinks this is bullshit. Gabriel tells him that if he shuts the fuck up for a few months, she will conceive. In some translations, Gabriel tells Zacharias to go away and become a monk. Ok...

21 And the people waited for Zacharias, and marveled that he lingered so long in the temple. 22 But when he came out, he could not speak to them; and they perceived that he had seen a vision in the temple, for he beckoned to them and remained speechless.

Zacharias goes silent, and spends a long time in a temple, as ordered.

23 So it was, as soon as the days of his service were completed, that he departed to his own house. 24 Now after those days his wife Elizabeth conceived; and she hid herself five months, saying, 25 “Thus the Lord has dealt with me, in the days when He looked on me, to take away my reproach among people.

So Zacharias shuts up and goes away, leaving his wife with Gabriel, she gets pregnant.
Zacharias returns, Elizabeth goes and hides for a few months, presumably there's an atmosphere of some kind and she doesn't want it to affect the baby.

Ok, that's appearance number one. I think it's pretty obvious what's happening, remember, there's no such thing as Angels, or immaculate conception.

I am wondering if Gabriel is some kind of incredibly clever player, and maybe Angel refers to his appearance, I mean if any Angles (as in Anglo-Saxon) had made it that far south, they would have been quite striking to look at, so maybe he was just a good looking sonofabitch? (Not that Judean people aren't attractive, I just think blonde hair and blue eyes would have been a novelty.)

Now I'd count my lucky stars at this point and get the hell out of town. Not Gabriel, no, he just goes and just does it again:

Christ’s Birth Announced to Mary
26 Now in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, 27 to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. 28 And having come in, the angel said to her, “Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you; [e]blessed are you among women!”

Gabriel appears. 'Hi Mary, I hear you're having difficulty getting pregnant? I can fix that!'

29 But [f]when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and considered what manner of greeting this was. 30 Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. 31 And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name Jesus. 32 He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Highest; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David. 33 And He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end.”

Mary is totally creeped out by this. Gabriel says 'It ok, relax, I'm an Angel, just let this happen, you're gonna have a son, it will be amazing, that's what you want right?'

34 Then Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I [g]do not know a man?”

Mary is all like, 'but I don't know any guys, not straight ones, anyway, Joseph is always hanging around with his 'carpenter' friends.

35 And the angel answered and said to her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Highest will overshadow you; therefore, also, that Holy One who is to be born will be called the Son of God. 36 Now indeed, Elizabeth your relative has also conceived a son in her old age; and this is now the sixth month for her who was called barren. 37 For with God nothing will be impossible.”

Gabriel: "Don't worry girl, I got this, The Holy Spirit will come upon you" 😂😇😈😂

38 Then Mary said, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.

Mary: "I'll be your maidservant, and do exactly as you say, Oohh yeah."

Gabriel finishes and leaves, the end.

Fifty shades has nothing on this book!

I mean what the actual fuck did I just read? And how can I unread it, I can't.

Gabriel just goes around, playing the field, taking advantage of childless couples to get laid.

This means John and Jesus were brothers.

Also, if my suspicions about Gabriel's origin are true, Jesus was half white, Anglo-Saxon, and half Judean, we were right about his appearance to begin with? WTF?

I just can't, I'm still reeling, why has nobody ever shown me this?